Frome Valley Osteopaths

I wanted to write something a little more human this week, less practitioner to patient and more slightly muddled human, in a slightly muddled world, with other slightly muddled humans. I also notice the irony of just having read a book called Selfie, talking about the danger of increased individualism and narcissism in the west and laughing to myself at the idea that people would be interested in my thoughts 🙂 But here we are …

Mental health is a massive subject and a subject that has come up a-lot in my life and in the people around me’s lives too, I don’t for one second think this is unusual. I think we all struggle at times and having spaces to say that I’m struggling without it being pathologised, is a wonderful thing. There are many great things that advances in technology has brought us, it has however, also brought us increased pressure to appear perfect, online and in person. The world is privy to our day to day lives more than ever with more people to judge our ‘performance’ in it and comment on it than ever before.

My personal experiences of pretty shit mental health were mostly a long time ago (thankfully) and were hugely related to living up to a standard of perfection that was either entirely unachievable for anyone or certainly unachievable for me, a mostly quiet, sensitive person in a fast pace world. My drive to be ‘perfect’ has got in the way of my mental health a few times since and I know I am not alone. I would urge you all to consider how often it plays a part in the negative self talk we can all have that can lead to pretty naff mental health.

3 years ago we started the adoption process, last year our sons moved in with us and at the end of last year the placement broke down. I recognise my perfectionist tendencies in part of the drive to become a parent this way, to be a really good person… I also realise that the interviews, panels and later, the work in our home with the boys and our family therapists entirely played into my tendency to want to be perfect. In the end, when it all collapsed and we had to face ‘failure’ my mental health was really shook.

I share all this because we all go through stuff in life where our mental health is battered, at the time we might not notice, we might be in surviving, there is no space to consider you in any of it, because you are just getting through. It is if the surviving happens for a prolonged period our mental health can disintegrate from under us and we aren’t surviving or coping at all anymore. Sometimes, it’s after the event, in the lull, when things have eased that our mental health might take a complete nose dive. We no longer have all the adrenaline etc needed to cope, the threat may have passed, and we have to feel all the feelings we couldn’t feel when we were just coping and surviving.

I was talking to a friend at the weekend about the difference between doing things because we want to appear good, doing things because we feel obligated and doing things because we actually want to. I completely appreciate there are things in life that we have to do that don’t fill us with joy, hanging the washing out for example, but we can chose to see that as looking after our families which can give it a different tone, we can still do these things because we want to for what they represent to us.

However, I know that we have all been pulled into doing things because we feel like we ‘should’ sometimes because of an external expectation, sometimes because of an internal expectation. I know giving myself space to chose the things I want to do, the room to know if I’m doing it because I want to, which may be because I know it will be good fun or it may be because I want to make sure that I am keeping my relationships balanced and I’m putting in as much as other people are, or because I know someone is having a hard time. Or because I feel like I should. Leaving us feeling pressured and resentful, this isn’t good for our mental health, it can lead to negative self talk if we aren’t clear with ourselves about why we feel how we do about it.

Sometimes reframing the thing so it feels good to do it is the thing that feels right to us and is good for our mental health. Sometimes being really honest about where the pressure is coming from to do the thing, and really understanding why we might not want to do it, and then choosing to or not, is the best thing for our mental health. Being less concerned about how it looks and more concerned about how it feels.

Often during periods of tricky mental health I have found myself wanting to withdraw, often this has been to give myself space, without lots of noise, to understand how I am feeling and give my nervous system space to rest and heal. Sometimes this goes too far and we hide away because we are ashamed or we feel like a burden to people. Try to notice why you’re pulling away, it can give you clues as to what to do next.

So back to the muddled human in a muddled world, there is no way that anyone has it all together, we are all good at acting and appearing like we do, but life is complicated, challenging and wonderful and it changes for the better and worse constantly. Sometimes it feels like riding the wave and sometimes we just catch our breath before the next hard thing lands. That’s life. It doesn’t stand still, sometimes we need to step back from it so it moves slower while we heal and sometimes we jump right in and get carried along in the magic of it all.

Mental health, or struggling with mental health, is nothing to be ashamed of, in my humble opinion it is pretty foundational to the human experience. Who wants a life so perfect they don’t know how perfect it is because they’ve never had anything shit to compare it to? No reason to reflect, understand and be grateful. If you’re struggling, as always, reach out if you can. Be open, be messy, be beautifully human.

To the men in our lives, suicide is the leading cause of death for under 50s, 75% of deaths by suicide are men, sharing is imperative. Culture hasn’t set men up to feel safe sharing, but there are places and people that are safe and want to hear your stories. Just as there are communities who are here to support women and the LGBTQIA+ communities. Find your tribe, or one safe person, is enough.

Lauren Manning BSc Hons Ost