Frome Valley Osteopaths

I am writing this for myself and for everyone who finds mothers day a little more complicated. The same sentiment could absolutely be applied to Fathers day.

As a child I was lucky enough that Mothers day was a simple one, I loved my mum, I know she loved me, we lived together and I knew that Mothers day was about being kind and grateful to her. This didn’t always happen, but it wasn’t complicated. There are many children who don’t or didn’t experience Mothers day this way, on days like this, these children and adults, need to be remembered, included and supported. For those of us that it was simple, we could notice our privilege in this.

As an adult Mothers day became more complex. I began to dread the day, it touched a deep grief, a longing and an inferiority within me and I know I’m not alone. Infertility difficulties. Not being in the ‘right’ place to try to have children, even though you may long for them, being LGBTQ and it just not being simple at all, just not being sure yet, the devastation of miscarriage …. can all make this day less simple, more complex. The last year has made this day more complicated for me again.

As you may know in 2020 my wife and I started the adoption process. In June 2022 two 5 year old, beautiful, wild, and courageous boys were placed with us, they broke my heart open in a way that I think children often do to their parents and that I am forever grateful for. For a whole lot of complex reasons, including the absolutely devastating impact of developmental trauma, our boys are no longer with us, the placement broke down and it was concluded that permanency, a family home, wasn’t the right thing for them.

The right choice is rarely an easy choice and with this ‘choice’ came so much grief and despair and ‘who the f**k am I now’ that I wasn’t sure I would be able to look myself in the mirror again, wasn’t sure I’d be able to be around my nieces again without falling to pieces, and wasn’t sure I would feel like a valuable human again.

I know these feelings are universal; abortion, fertility difficulty, miscarriage, parents who have to make impossible choices to keep their children safe, parents who can’t keep their children safe. Impossible choices are made my parents every day and these are feelings felt by parents every day.

This year I remember all the children who are, or were, let down by their parents, who find this day deeply confusing and painful. When Mother absolutely doesn’t feel like it does on the TV adverts or films, when they can’t live with their Mother, when Mother isn’t safe or loving. I remember my boys and wonder what on earth they are meant to understand about Mothers day, they have had 3 Mums now and foster mums, how will they make sense of it.

I remember all the Mothers working incredibly hard to do the absolute best for their children, who constantly feel at their edges, who are trying to Mother in a society where they are expected to work as if they don’t have children, and parent as if they don’t have to work. Mothers trying to parent compared to instagram highlight reels and constantly not feeling like enough. You are beautiful and enough.

I remember the Mothers who are trying their absolute hardest, through their own trauma and lack of Mother to not let a pattern of abuse continue. To the cycle breakers, you are magic.

I remember the Foster mums and adoptive mums who are loving so deeply through the extra challenges of a child not made of them, the extra challenges of in utero toxic environments, developmental trauma, neuro diversity and attachment challenges. You and your children, are incredible.

I remember those children or adults who have lost their mums, whose grief is stirred up, present, and far closer to the surface at this time of year. Grief is hard and beautiful and I hope you can lean in and know within the complexity, you aren’t alone.

I remember those Mothers who won’t, for whatever reason, be able to be with their children. Grief is hard and beautiful and I hope you can lean in and know, within the complexity, you aren’t alone.

I remember those who would like to be Mothers, who for whatever reason, are not yet, and may not ever be mothers, and I feel you. Our Grief is just as valid. We are not alone.

I remember those Mothers who, from the outside it may look simple, but on the inside, for whatever reason, it isn’t. You are valid.

I remember those Mothers who have lost children, in utero, at birth, and since, who have found themselves in deep despair, whose grief threatened, or is threatening to swallow them, know you aren’t alone Mumma.

This year in particular I remember my mum and mother in law, the women who held us this year and let us collapse because they trusted we knew what we were doing, who didn’t tell us how to do our grief, knew we would re build, to the women who helped me trust myself, who helped me mother, showed me how, I love you, I am grateful for you. To my wife, who mothered with me, I am beyond words grateful.

We are often scared to feel the deep dark feelings in our lives, scared they will swallow us whole or break us down. But in my experience the deep dark feelings are where the magic happens, they are where the joy comes from. Do not be scared of the dark, without the dark there is no opposite light.

To all Mothers, mothers to be, mothers of pets and other people, I hope in the complexity of mothers day there can be some light and joy, and if there can’t be light, I hope you have someone to sit in the dark with you.

All my love

Lauren Manning BSc Hons Ost.