Whether this day is something you love or loathe, it can be a good reminder to check in on the health of your relationship… The health of our primary relationships have a huge influence on our own health, these don’t have to be romantic relationships.
Now, I don’t mean massive bunches of flowers, expensive dinners out or grand gestures are required. Although I wouldn’t say no to Sara cooking for me (again) 🙂 I mean some space created to really see, connect with, and hear your person.
Life in 2023 tends to be hugely busy, we have work commitments, children, a social life, trying to stay relatively fit and healthy, social media pressures, etc. All of these things can draw us out of being really in the relationships with the people that matter most, We can miss things or not feel like we have time for the conversations we need. We can feel like ships that pass in the night, we can feel lonely in relationship. We maybe just talk about the children, the practicalities of meeting their needs.
All relationships need nurturing. Some top tips on how to nurture your relationship when you’re short on time/energy from Dr Lauren Gogel Mersy PsyD.
- Have a 6 second kiss (oxytocin is released)
- Talk for 5 minutes about your day
- Watch a movie at home while cuddling
- Say hello and goodbye when leaving and coming home (if you cohabitate)
- State 1-2 things you appreciate about your partner(s)
- Say ‘I love you’ often
- Text to say ‘hello’ or ‘thinking of you’ during the day.
- Spend some screen free time together.
Our partners are changing all the time, we are changing all the time, it’s our privilege to keep getting to know the people they are, and being open to being known again and again. This creates space for all people to be healthy in the container of a relationship.
Drs John and Julie Gottman have spent their lives understanding love and relationships, the things that help and the ‘four horsemen’, communication styles that can predict discord and the breakdown of a relationship.
A bid for connection is what John and Julie call, any attempt to positively connect with a partner. This can be a bid for attention, affection, support, comfort etc.. There are 3 ways we can respond do a bid for connection…
- Turning away – This is when we don’t hear, or don’t recognise or ignore the bid. You can see why repeated missed bids for connection may create problems in relationships.
- Turning against – This is when we reject a bid or respond in a negative way, this is another hurtful way to respond. This can send the message that the other person is not important.
- Turning towards – This is when we respond positively or acknowledge the bid e.g. we fully lean into a hug, put down or ignore distractions, just be there in the moment.
These options don’t mean that we should drop everything and fulfil every bid that comes our way. It means that we can respond to a bid with kindness and send the message to our partners that they matter. Research has shown that there is a correlation between the amount we respond positively to a bid from our partner and the length of time couples stay married.
Our relationships have a huge impact on pretty much every measure of our health: emotional, spiritual, physical etc. If someone is in pain and their partner is empathic, understanding, helpful, validating, that feels hugely different in our nervous systems than a partner who is dismissive and impatient. This in itself has an impact on the healing time and potential of that person. Someone feeling stuck in a relationship or in a dynamic in a relationship, can end up feeling stuck in many other areas of their life. We are not separate.
So I hope this valentines is an excuse to have fun, be playful, to listen, to be vulnerable, to connect, and a reminder that we should all definitely be being intentional about this more than once a year 🙂
Sara and I have been through a whole lot in the last year, we have seen each other be stretched to our limits and love in a way we didn’t know possible, we had a shared goal, and the loss of that has felt desperately sad and left us separate again in some way, but we are finding each other again, exploring what life will look like now. If you are going through something hard, start small, little bids, go gently, don’t expect too much but be clear about what you need.
All my love,
Lauren Manning BsC Hons Ost.
References:
Dr Lauren Fogel Mersy instagram page.
Frome Valley Osteopaths 
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